i've been through alot of unfairness in life. i even questioned God on why He never gave me the one thing i really wanted. and, like a kid, i threw tantrum to Him. I protested by refusing to know Him.

just a couple of days ago, after five years of pursuing and never giving up hope, i surrendered to the path of life that has been set for me. for the first time, my heart was opened to understand on why He never gave me the one thing i really longed for and hoped.

sometimes, we just don't realize that we live through the grace of God and the prayers of those who love us.

the lived life

i work and think fast. i am open and not a kiss ass kind of person.

i set targets and drive those who work for me to meet the goals.

i balance the powers between my managers and i am not afraid to literally fight those who are in my way. i yelled at my CEO once.

i protected my team and i will fight to the best of my ability for them.

my life is always works, meetings, travelings, writings, works, meetings, travelings, writings. my CEO even forbade me to do meetings anymore.

i got what i want. i became what i dreamt of to do.

i become a monster to my body and a slave to my mind.

not until one day, i came home finding my mother paled to the ashes. her voice trembling, her lips whitish. she was so weak and her thin body lied down on the matress.

she looked at me with tears welled down as if to tell me something i didn't understand. dad was massaging her toes.

even in her sickness, she was asking me whether i had my dinner already. my heart sunk.

as i sat down eating my dinner, the taste became tasteless. i felt as if something was kicking me inside. i'm not ready to loose her, God. i haven't had chance to make her happy much less spending time with her. almost two thirds of my life were spent abroad.

that night, i realized i spent too much of my time working. when was the last time i sat down eating dinner with my parents? went to eat out on the weekends? chatted with them? or laughed with them? i couldn't think of any answer to satisfy my questions. and that night, stroking my mother's hand with warm lotion, i promised myself to take care of my parents more for i am the oldest of the children. that night, i prayed to ask God to show me the way to balance my life.

i am too occupied with the lived live i become and i tend to forget that they are still loved ones to take care of.

the unlived life

we have two lives. the life that we are living now and the unlived life.

the unlived life ~ the life that we are afraid to become or face.

it's like people who have talents but never use theirs. a singer who won't sing. a painter who won't paint. a writer who won't write.

to say the least, it's not as easy as clicking your fingers.

sometimes, we tend to be in our comfort zones too long to realize that better chances are zipping by. or, people tend to dwell in their pasts too much to afraid of to see what might become him or her in the future.

it's the unlived life we all have. including myself.

history told us of a man named adolf hitler. when he was 17 years of age, he asked his parents his inheritance of 700 kroners and travelled to italy to study arts. unbeknownst to us all, adolf hitler has higher degrees in arts and paintings. he was an excellent painter and had full knowledge of art history.

but why do we know him as one of the evils human history has ever known? history is telling us that it was easy for him to start the second World War then to sketch on a blank canvas. why? because somehow in his life, his ego took over his mind and to become a painter wasn't grand enough to suit his ego.

as human beings, we all have the unlived lives.

but fears, unwillingness, and undoubtfullness are holding us all back to face the fuller lives we all might be.

take chances and your life will guide you.

dedicated to a best friend who is nervous to face his wedding day (we are all, aren't we?)

it's been long time since i wrote in this posting weeks ago. thanks to some who sms-ed and writing comments asking how i was since the postings haven't been up to for quite sometimes.

first, it was lombok then to bali to do some photo sessions and i took the Hari Raya break to just do nothing -- taking a much needed break for my body and soul -- before embarking to awaiting assignments.

a month ago, i flew to bali just two weeks after the second blast that shook us all. aside with the photo sessions that enclaved me and my team inside a beautiful resort, i have a personal mission to know and to learn the effects of the incidents.

we all learnt from the media that this bombing wouldn't be much an affect compare to the first one as the tourists weren't flocking to the airport the day after the blasts. it was true for a certain part, but not the other way around.

yes, after the incidents, the visitors stayed. but, as they stayed, virtually speaking, lots of reservations that have been made were cancelled.

as i talked to some people in nusa dua, jimbaran, and kuta areas, anguishes could be seen through their humble faces - a deep concern to the fact that why this incident would happen to them for the second time as they just recuperating from the first one.

a taxi driver that took me to discovery mal was holding his anger when he said, "ini bali, mas, bukan lebanon! mas dari media kan, tolong tulis, jangan kirim bom bunuh diri ke bali! apa salah kita-kita di sini?" i could see his emotion through the reflection of a driver side mirror -- he hasn't had any passanger hailing his cab since the morning.

once, i saw a middle aged lady sweeping the floor of a resort. as i walked closer to where she stood, she was smiling at me radiating a humble aura. i said 'hi' to her and began to chat to her.

"saya ini tadinya terapis di spa, mas," she continued with a heavy balinese accent, "tapi sekarang jadi bantu-bantu kebersihan."

it turned out that the resort outsourced people for cleaning service department - kerja kontrak - as we might be familiar with. when the revenues down because the tourist stop coming, the first thing they cut was the outsourced people and who will they be replaced with? the employees like the middle aged lady i talked to. she said, no tourist, no spa guest, no job, either you stay home or do different job.

i usually flew out of bali with a lasting impression of an island so beautiful i wanted to fly back. yet, the last time i visited bali, i felt something was missing missed -- it was the smiles of its people.

it's one of the most beautiful islands this planet ever has and it becomes one of the destinations you have to visit before you die. but, we tend to forget that bali is not just an island people from around the world love to visit, it is one of Indonesia's treasures that we, the people, need to safe guard it for the sake of this country.

di penghujung malam takbiran, saya terduduk di kursi menatap pesawat tv di depan saya. mendengar dan menghayati kata-kata yang keluar dari seseorang di hadapan saya. tanpa terasa, hati saya tergetar dan air mata saya mengalir.

jarang bagi saya untuk dapat mengalirkan air mata hanya karena mendengar kata-kata orang yang tidak saya kenal sebelumnya. apalagi itu hanya bagian dari acara tv.

ustad jefri al-buchori duduk di layar kaca sambil mengumandangkan sebuah khotbah. dan, kata-kata yang terucap dari padanyalah membuat batin saya tersentuh dan air mata saya meleleh.

setelah jeda pariwara, saya sempat terkesiap dan tersadar. bagaimana saya bisa begitu tersentuh oleh khotbah beliau tentang maaf dan memaafkan dan begitu terkesima dengan kumandang ayat-ayat suci yang dilafalkan ustad jefri? sedangkan saya bukan seorang muslim?

mungkin benar kata orang-orang bijak. apapun agamanya, ajaran-ajaran tentang kebaikan dan kebajikan yang harus kita taati adalah sama. lepas dari segala label-label suku, ras, dan agama yang tertempel di pikiran manusia yang hidup di bumi ini, hanya ada satu Yang Maha Kuasa yang kita sembah dan kita agungkan.

jika saja semua orang menyadari hal itu, mungkin tidak akan ada lagi genocide di afrika, kejadian di poso, perang irak dan afghanistan, bom bali, dan semua teror yang pernah terjadi di muka bumi ini.

seperti kata Aa Gym, "sungguh mulialah bila kita dapat menerima maaf orang lain yang berbuat salah kepada kita, tapi lebih mulia lagi apabila kita telah memaafkan kesalahan yang diperbuat sebelum orang tersebut meminta maaf kepada kita."

selamat hari raya idul fitri 1426H. mohon maaf lahir dan batin. dan semoga damai selalu berserta kita semua. amin.